Back by popular demand! Polyamory means “many loves;” but there are many ways to be polyamorous. Come discuss it and some ways to navigate it. This panel provides space for those new to/curious about polyamory.
I did not record the panel this time due to privacy concerns. It is not safe for people to be openly polyamorous; people who are outed can lose their friends, lose their jobs, be denied promotions, lose their children, and lose their homes. There are audio recordings from other panels that I’ve been on about polyamory & non-monogamy - look at posts with the tags Polyamory or Non-Monogamy [Note 1].
There will be another post later for the Polyamory 202 panel at CONvergence 2019. At the end of that panel, I had made a post that included links to related topics and a form for those who had feedback or had more questions to ask. I am still accepting questions from it and will be making a separate post with responses after I finish writing about the CONvergence 2019 panels.
As CONvergence is an all-ages convention, the audience was encouraged to focused more on the love aspect of non-monogamy rather than topics that relate to sex. Also, the audience was reminded that there is no one right way to practice polyamory; there are a multitude of relationship structures and configurations, and every experience is a unique one.
To open, we gave our names (which I will not be repeating for privacy reasons), pronouns, and experience with polyamory. As pronouns are words that we use to replace names (she/him/theirs), it is important to use what most accurately represents the people to whom we are referring. If you don’t know a person’s pronouns, please ask them; this is something that needs to be normalized.
I personally identify as graygender - that is, I identify outside the gender binary and feel generally ambivalent about my gender identity. For pronouns, I really am comfortable with any pronoun that is used for me (except for “it”) - however, I very much enjoy it when people change up what pronouns they use for me. As of late, I have been using xe/xem/xyr [Note 2] pronouns, but this is not a hard-and-fast rule; it may change at any time.
Although I didn’t learn the term polyamory until I was in my twenties, I have four different situations from when I was growing up that were clues that I am polyamorous:
By the time I graduated high school, the world population was only about 6 billion [Note 3]; that meant that there was no possible way for me to meet enough people in my lifetime to get a statistically significant sample size of the population to meet the “one true love” of my life. It’s mathematically impossible - there is an XKCD what if about this (and a Tim Minchin song).
At another point in high school, the topic of marriage came up (I went to a catholic high school). At one point I was thinking about when people remarry after the death of a loved one, and then I thought about what would happen if a new spouse were to enter a life while the previous spouse was still alive - how would it be fair to anybody for people to be miserable if people could only be with one person at a time? And then I started to think that the concept of “one true love” was inherently flawed because that would be a cruel fate for people.
Early in my time in high school, it occurred to me that if I were ever to date someone, and they wanted to date someone else but also wanted to continue dating me, I had no right to force them to choose between me and the hypothetical other person - that wouldn’t be fair to anybody, and I was certain that we all could get along.
When I was at that age when most of us who are allosexual/alloromantic begin to develop crushes on people, I noticed that I was crushing on multiple people at once while everybody around me only had singular crushes. I was already a weirdo, and so I did my best to conform, confusing as it was.
This year, the panel was done as a Q&A format, and so I have written down the questions asked of us and how we responded. Although each bullet point is a response to a question, that doesn’t mean that it is the final definitive answer to that question - everyone is unique and every situation is different. Be certain to leave room for growth and learning, and keep asking questions and keep exploring.
There will be a glossary of terms at the end; also, if you have more questions that you would like to ask, please feel free to use the form from the follow-up; I’ll keep checking it.
Question 1: How do people cope with jealousy? [Note 4][Note 5]
Not everyone feels jealousy for the same reasons or in the same manner. Some people have varying feelings of compersion, and some people don’t. Some people may feel envy instead of jealousy, or even both. But feelings are not inherently good or bad, even when the feelings are uncomfortable to have.
There are different ways to cope with jealousy. The most important thing to do is to recognize it for what it is and to not let it fester. Be certain to talk about it and be open about it. For some, it is because they are insecure about themselves; and for some it is because they are insecure about their surroundings. As long as you are open about and are willing to talk about what is making you jealous, that is one way to deal with it.
At the end of the day, the best way to deal with feelings in general, comfortable or uncomfortable, is communication [Note 6]: state where you are emotionally; what led up to it; if you have any idea why you’re feeling what you’re feeling (for example, someone is spending more time with a metamour and you are feeling left out). Communication is perhaps the second step after recognizing any issues within yourself.
Sometimes people feel like they are afraid to lose something: their partner’s attention, their partner’s time, their partner’s affection, things like that. It’s good to realize that people you want to be in a relationship with typically aren’t trying to make you jealous [Note 7].
Use I language when talking to partners about feelings. Realize that you are with this person/these people because you want to continue to be with them. Don’t treat them as an extension of yourself, because that does not end well; rather, treat them as a partner - someone whose opinion you respect and care about.
Question 2: How do you talk to a family member about being polyamorous?
Not everyone is out to their families about being polyamorous. The first thing to do is to make certain that you are safe.
Coming out to people can be weird. If you are coming out to people, you have to do it deliberately with some people (especially if you don’t have a lot of contact with some people). For example, they know that you are partnered, you can say something along the lines of “I am having my datemate [Note 8] over this weekend”. Even if they don’t respond verbally, they’ll respond physically - perhaps a shocked expression. And at least the information that you have more than one partner will be out there.
It’s probably best to not come out in the heat of an argument with family members.
If you’re feeling safe, try to be open with your family. Perhaps talk over a family dinner, though a holiday dinner probably isn’t the best time - it’s probably better to do it slowly than suddenly with partners already present.
Question 3: When a monogamous person says that they could do a polyamorous relationship, does that mean that the polyamorous relationship will automatically fail?
Short answer, yes; long answer, no.
Yes, because someone will be unhappy unless everyone involved puts the work into making the relationship work.
No, because if there is going to be enough communication, and if people understand what they want/need, and they are willing to work on it, it can (and does) work, just like any other relationship. There are mono/polyam relationships out there that work because the people involved communicate and have their needs met and respect and care for the other people who are involved.
It’s possible for it to work, depending on who is involved.
There are people who are comfortable with being in either a polyamorous or monogamous relationship, and there are people who not comfortable and need to have a relationship be one or the other.
Question 4: How do you balance +1 situations when invited to events?
If you’re not out, it can be a weird balancing act. Often times in those situations, communication with partners is key - it may depend on who is closer to the people holding the event, would be who is more interested in going.
Sometimes there will be a partner who is more introverted, a partner who doesn’t want to go, a partner who can’t go for various reasons, or so forth. Or perhaps you might not care enough to go and would rather spend time with your partners.
Some people now are cognizant the fact that some of their friends may be polyamorous (even if their friends are not out to them), and will word their invitations accordingly.
There are some situations, especially situations with kids, where you might just need to state “we have a non-traditional family”, and that will be all that needs to be said to be understood that there are more family members than can be handled by “+1”.
Question 5: Is it a red flag when your partner doesn’t want you to meet their other partners?
I don’t trust people who don’t communicate openly, personally.
I tend to find that concerning as well. If they actively don’t want you to meet their partners, I’d worry about that. If it’s just that there’s distance involved and you literally can’t, that’s something else; but if it is “I do not want you to meet my other partner,” I think that it is a red flag.
I personally don't mind if I meet my metamours or not, but I definitely want to hear about them - how many other partners they have and such. I’d want to know about them, even if I don’t meet them directly.
My statement is that “I need you provide me a statement from within the last two weeks that shows me that you are not indeed carrying something”; and fair is fair, I would do the same for you. If they’re not willing to communicate with you and not be open with you, they’re probably not someone whom you’d want to date [Note 9].
Addendum to Question 5: It is important to establish if that is your partner’s desire or your metamour’s desire, because that is two different scenarios. You also have to trust your partner to pass that information on to you; one of the things that keeps good metamours is respect for boundaries.
There are other reasons for partners not wanting/being able to meet.
Immediately concluding that someone may possibly have an STI is a form of serophobia.
Context and communication are of vital importance, and it is important to have information before making decisions.
Question 6: How do people feel about using certain terminology? Such as primary/secondary, nesting partner, and so forth? How does that work when people don’t want to make others feel left out or when trying to avoid a hierarchical structure?
For years, there have been the terms Primary & Secondary - Primary being the person with whom you first started out (or feel most seriously about) and Secondary being others.
I personally don’t care for Primary/Secondary and such. What’s important is that you and your partners use what is most comfortable for your tribe - that’s what comes first. If your partners feel belittled by the use of Secondary, Tertiary, and so forth, don’t use them; use other terms like Nesting Partner, Datemate, Significant Other, or whatever works for you all. There are lots of terms for lots of different relationship types that work in lots of different ways; no one is superior than another - they just work for different people in the way that people need them to work for them.
Personal terms of endearment that are person-specific can also be used - often times there is a story behind why a romantic partner is called something.
Your mileage may vary - do what feels right between you, your partner(s), and their partner(s), as long as everyone feels respected and a part of things.
Question 7: How would you recognize the difference between boundaries and controlling insecurities? For example, the difference between “I would appreciate if you didn’t do something you wouldn’t be willing to discuss with me first” and something that is controlling behavior.
Your mileage may vary - it’s going to be a matter of what the people involved are comfortable with, what has been negotiated previously. If you feel that it is a reasonable request, then okay. If you feel that it is pushing up against your comfort levels in ways that are not comfortable, then it is time to start looking at is as a red flag.
If you have a lot of friends warning you, saying, “hey, this is a warning sign,” because you may not be realizing it; this may have been normalized through manipulative behaviors already [Note 10], listen to your friends warnings as well. For me, I probably would chafe at “don’t do this with whomever because I don’t want you to” without further communication or explanation, such as “we have this history and here is what it is”, then I would start wondering if this is a boundary issue or a control issue.
I would also look at the greater pattern of behavior - if they set a line and then keep moving the line, that’s scary. You need to have a conversation to find out why they are doing that; and if they give an answer like “that’s just the normal progression of a relationship,” that’s concerning, and I’d suggest that you check in with other people around you. If you don’t have any friends with whom you can talk to about that kind of problem, that to me is a sign that you might be too isolated and the person whom you are dating might have you isolated [Note 11].
A red flag would be controlling things that are outside of the relationship as well - not liking your friends, not wanting you to go to the places you enjoy, and so forth.
Punishing you or guilt-tripping you for crossing boundaries that were set after-the-fact would be a red flag.
Double-standards are also red flags used for control.
A boundary is something that the person who sets it is comfortable with, whereas controlling is about being in charge of other people.
Follow-up to Question 7: How many chances does one get for breaking boundaries? Or what are some examples of boundaries?
An example of a boundary: being given an opportunity to say “no” (in a private conversation) to an invitation to a former partner. Being able to have that conversation before the invitation was sent out.
Having a partner doing something similar, but then doing it again or saying “it isn’t a big deal” is a cause for conversation.
Setting numbers to chances given is not easy to do, because each situation is different.
An example of a boundary: knowing what is going on in relationships, at least in general terms. Being able to communicate what is happening, if things are working out well or not.
Knowing what forms of greeting are acceptable and how they are perceived. For some, hugs are very intimate form of PDA, even between friends. For others, neck biting are a fun way of greeting friends and is not an inherently private/sexual activity.
Your mileage may vary. Different people will have different reactions for different situations, ranging from forgetting to save a cookie to things happening in the heat of the moment. There are different levels of comfort and different views of boundaries.
Recognize that boundaries may change - there isn’t a set number of chances for any situation. Be certain to communicate and be honest [Note 12]. People’s attitudes and understandings may evolve over time - no one is a static individual. Be open to growth.
Various terms that were used during the panel. Most of these terms are from More Than Two’s Glossary (their glossary is even more in depth); some are from other sources (links to sources provided).
Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.
Constellation: A romantic network. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings can resemble a constellation in the night sky.
Datemate: A nonbinary term for a significant other, similar to girlfriend/boyfriend. Not universally used.
Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship.
Mono/polyam or Polyam/mono Relationship: A relationship between a person who self-identifies as monogamous and a person who self-identifies as polyamorous.
Nesting Partner(s): A live-in partner (or partners). This person may or may not be a primary partner, as well, but nesting partner is often used to replace the term primary partner while still describing a higher level of entanglement in order to avoid hierarchical language. The type of relationship may also be considered an Anchor Relationship.
Polycule: A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry.
Polysaturated: Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners because of the number of existing partners, or because of time constraints that might make new relationships difficult (love is infinite, time is restricted).
Polyunsaturated: Polyamorous, and currently seeking or open to new partners.
Primary/Secondary Relationship: A polyamorous relationship structure in which a person has multiple partners who are not equal to one another in terms of interconnection, emotional intensity, intertwinement in practical or financial matters, or power within the relationship. A person in a primary/secondary relationship may have one (or occasionally, more than one) primary partner and one or more additional secondary or tertiary partners. The terms may be prescriptive or descriptive.
Primary Partner(s): In a primary/secondary relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance.
Secondary Partner(s): In a primary/secondary relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship who, either by intent or by circumstance, have a relationship that is given less in terms of time, energy, and priority in a person’s life than a primary relationship, and usually involves fewer ongoing commitments.
Serophobia: The prejudice, fear, rejection and discrimination against people afflicted with HIV/AIDS.
Significant Other: A romantic partner. The term is intended to be free of assumptions of gender.
Swinging: The practice of having multiple sexual partners outside of an existing romantic relationship, most often with the understanding that the focus of those relationships is primarily sexual rather than romantic or emotionally intimate.
Tertiary Partner(s): A person (or persons) in a relationship that is generally quite casual, expects little in the way of emotional or practical support, or is very limited with respect to time, energy, or priority in the lives of the people involved.
Tribe: A set of people in a polyamorous network. Also known as a Polycule or Constellation.
Notes:
Polyamory and non-monogamy have very similar meanings, but they are not exactly the same thing. Polyamory literally means many (poly) love (amor), and it is the “state or practice of maintaining multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved”; whereas non-monogamy is “any relationship that is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved”. The website More Than Two has an excellent glossary of terms for your perusal.
The third-person sex-neutral pronouns that I have been using are xe (subject), xem (object), xyrs (possessive), xyrself/xemself (reflexive), xyr (pronominal).
The Guardian made a population calculator that will give the world population on exact dates after 1951. According to it, on the day I graduate, the world population was approximately 6,150,236,622 and Rwanda was the fastest growing country of the year. On the day I was born, the world population was approximately 4,560,406,580 and Qatar was the fastest growing country of the year. At the time of this writing, the world population is 7.7 billion and climbing.
In the months since this panel, my partner sent me a link to a Facebook post about doing work on trauma informed polyamory that was written by writer, poet, rebel scholar, and working witch Clementine Morrigan. The post talks about the common experience of trauma and attachment related distress when practicing polyamory. Sometimes jealousy is a trauma response from feeling distressed. “Finding language for this and practicing compassion, while building our trauma toolboxes, goes a long long way in easing distress and making polyamory more enjoyable.”
A podcast that I highly recommend to everyone, Polyamory Weekly, has two resources to do with Jealousy: Jealousy Toolbox: And Then What Exercise, and Jealousy Toolkit: Discuss, Distract, Do. Also, check out the jealousy tag to find the episodes that deal specifically with jealousy. I started listening to the show about two years ago and I started from the beginning; at the time of this writing, I have reached “Jealousy Survival Guide with Kitty Chambliss” (episode 540) - what a coincidence.
If someone is trying to make you jealous, then it is probably best to find out why they are trying to make you jealous, and (if necessary) reevaluate that relationship.
Something that you will hear often from persons who are polyamorous is the importance of communication. This will be said a lot.
In an attempt to not out anybody while still being clear, I am intentionally using various ungendered relationship terms.
It takes time for STIs to become detectable on tests, whether or not they are also transmittable. It is also possible to be in excellent health, medicated, and have an undetectable viral load.
There are a variety of master manipulators out there, ranging from narcissists to abusers, who have the ability to make controlling behavior seem like normal behavior. This can be accomplished through religion, isolation, playing on mental health, and through many other tactics. This is not a problem unique to polyamory - monogamous persons also have to be cautious of manipulators.
There is also the possibility that you already were in a very small community with an extremely small population base; it is important to be aware of your surroundings and know where you are and be willing to try to find community outside of your area if you don’t have community at home.
Be wary of “brutal honesty”; often times (though not always) when someone says that they are brutally honest, they are more interested in the brutality than in the honesty. Be compassionate and insightful, uplifting and empowering - leave the brutality in the garbage with the devil’s advocates.
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